So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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