we made out on top of his cat.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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