the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
