she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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