Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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