Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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