Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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