My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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