She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
