I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
BRING THE BAGELS
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
