imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
