I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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