I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
