I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
