Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
