I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
