He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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