never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
