i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
