I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
