It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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