He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
