I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
