so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
