how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
