I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
