We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
