I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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