i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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