I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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