WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
