i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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