And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
