If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
