Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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