If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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