he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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