Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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