Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
