When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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