he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
organizing the empties. That sober.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
