wanna go halves on a baby?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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