i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
