party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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