I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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