Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
