You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
