There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
