just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
