OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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