Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
